Ain’t No Business Like Show Business

Matt Schultz could be our next Congressional Representative, and that should be the scariest thing you read today.

In case you were too busy being shocked by responses to Coca-Cola’s Super Bowl ad, Iowa Secretary of State and Congressional candidate Matt Schultz appeared before the Iowa Senate’s State Government Committee to defend/explain/scapegoat his office’s role in a recent bruhaha about voters mistakenly barred from voting.

That’s the problem! Who uses filing cabinets anymore? Your job is to keep databases updated and coordinated in real time. Databases! You know, on computers? It’s not like he doesn’t know what a database is –

Oh, I see what you did there. You’ve elected a guy who doesn’t use e-mail to one of the most IT intensive positions in state government. There’s nowhere for him to fail but up.

But Schultz says clearly – clearly! – it is anyone else’s fault. Or specifically, everyone else’s.

The judiciary! If only the understaffed and underfunded judiciary (which Schultz’s Tea Party followers seem to want to abolish entirely) would get them the lists on time.

The Governor! If only the Governor bothered to restore voting rights to felons who have served their time, the way Culver and Vilsack did.We wouldn’t have to guess who was eligible and who wasn’t.

The media! If only they would just back off their crucial democratic purpose as citizen’s watchdog and stop questioning whether Schultz’s use of hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to pursue a microscopic amount of registration fraud is the most effective use of limited money.

Democrats! Schultz just inherited the problem from previous Democratic Secretaries of State, who somehow had no trouble with it. It’s like Schultz was forced to run for a job he couldn’t handle.

County sheriffs! If only they would take the time to double-check ballots of potential felons. Surely they have nothing better to do. Heck let’s get those prison guards involved too. All they do is stand around, watching. Waiting. They can sort paperwork up in that tower.

County auditors! Actually no wait it seems they are pretty much blameless here.

But Schultz has a plan. An innovative and surefire way to fix the problem quickly . . .

Yes, a task force! It cannot fail!

Translation: He’s not going to have the job much longer, and he doesn’t care if it gets fixed or how. Did he mention everyone else is to blame? Vote Schultz.

But to be honest, I’ve heard worse stump speeches.

William Rock